Joke of the day
Things we learn from t.v.
1. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any
strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a
passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
3. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit
level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
4. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French
bread.
5. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone
in the control tower to talk you down.
6. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba
diving.
7. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place.
No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can
travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will
not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
9. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in
Paris.
10. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating
but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
11. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take
out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will
always be the exact fare.
12. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow
by 15cm.
13. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit
a strip club at least once.
14. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family
every morning, even though the husband and children never have time
to eat them.
15. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
16. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of
a football stadium.
17. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
18. All single women have a cat.
19. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and
pant.
20. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them
all than 20 men firing at one.
21. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely
investigated.
22. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially
if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating
accident.
23. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack
you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you
have knocked out their predecessor.
24. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the
person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and
talk to their back.
25. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your
room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
26. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
27. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to
each other.
28. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their
arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley
systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow
their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
29. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their
son's eighth birthday.
30. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and
accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.
31. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large
red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
32. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you
are visiting.
33. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.
34. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended
from duty.
35. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump
into will know all the steps.
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Following are real answers from various UK quiz shows:
The Weakest Link: In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet ?
Contestant: Jool carriageway
Radio 2: What is the Italian word for motorway ?
Contestant: Expresso
The Biggest Game in Town: What was signed to bring World War 1 to an end?
Contestant: The Magna Carta
Fifteen to One: What major town on the River Severn, famed for its fine china, shares its name with the sauce used in a Bloody Mary ?
Contestant: Tomato.
The Weakest Link: Which of the Marx brothers remained silent throughout all their movies ?
Contestant: Karl
Quizmaster; In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Contestant: Japan
Quizmaster; I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again. Contestant: Er, Mexico.
Beacon Radio: For £10, what is the nationality of the Pope ?
Contestant: I think I know that one, is it Jewish ?
The Weakest Link: Which Indian leader, whose last name began with"G", took the title Mahatma ?
Contestant: Geronimo
The Weakest Link: Who was the only inmate of Spandau Prison in Berlin between 1966 and 1987 ?
Contestant: The Birdman of Alcatraz.
The Weakest Link: Which famous artist painted the Mona Lisa ?
Contestant: Frank Bough.
The Weakest Link: Which calendar month is named after the first Roman Emperor, Caesar Augustus ?
Contestant: June
BBC Radio Newcastle; How long did the Six Day war between Egypt and Israel last ?
Contestant (after long pause): 14 days
BBC's The Enemy Within; Which of the seven Wonders of the Ancient World would you have found in Babylon ?
Contestant: The Hanging Baskets.
GMTV: In which direction do the hands of a clock travel ?
Contestant: Anti-clockwise.
The Weakest Link: What "W" is the capital of Poland ?
Contestant: Worcestershire.
William G. Stewart: Which city in Devon lies at the southern end of the M5 motorway ?
Contestant: Southern Yemen.
Radio Scotland: What is the currency of India ?
Contestant: Ramadan.
The Weakest Link: Which Douglas lost both legs but still flew in the Battle of Britain ?
Contestant: Douglas Hurd.
Radio 2: In 1863, which American President gave the Gettysburg Address ?
Contestant: I don't know, it was before I was born.
The Weakest Link: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?
Contestant: Crocodiles.
John Leslie (ITV This Morning): On which river is Newcastle situated?
Contestant: The Thames.
Leslie: Yes, well done.
Radio Hallam: Of which European country is Lisbon the capital ?
Contestant: Australia
Radio Hallam: Sorry, that's the wrong answer, we'll go to the next caller.
Second Contestant: I was going to say Australia as well. Is it Gibraltar ?
The Weakest Link: In sport, the name of which famous racehorse was the word "murder" spelt backwards ?
Contestant: Shergar
The Weakest Link: The presenter of the television series Telly Addicts was Noel who ?
Contestant: Coward
BBC1 judgmental: British politics, who was the only female member of the Gang of Four ?
Contestant: Myra Hindley
The Weakest Link: What "T" are the people who live in a house paying rent to a landlord ?
Contestant: Terrorists.
The Weakest Link: According to the common saying, "revenge is a dish best served...." what? Cold or on toast ?
Contestant: On toast
The Weakest Link: William Shakespeare wrote seven plays about Kings of England who all shared the same name. What name ?
Contestant: oh ...I don't have an answer...(moment of inspiration)...Ralph
Family Fortunes: Name a type of fork not used for eating ?
Contestant: Guy Fawkes
Who wants to be a Millionaire: What is another name for the Pope? a)Pontiff, b) Pontiac, c) Poncho, d) Pontefract.
Contestants Emma Bunton (Baby Spice) and Will Young (Pop Idol) after2 minutes silence...We'll ask the audience please.
The Weakest Link: The equator divides the world into how many hemispheres ?
Contestant: Three
Radio 2; Which is the largest rodent in North America ?
Contestant: The Great White Whale.
Virgin Radio: Name Les Dennis's estranged wife ?
Contestant: Margaret Thatcher.
Virgin radio; Are you absolutely sure ?
Contestant: That's the one.
The Weakest Link: Which Egyptian actor starred in Lawrence of Arabia, and also wrote a newspaper column on the subject of Bridge ?
Contestant: Naomi Campbell.
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Recently scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
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Here's a joke from Fred.
A tired insurance man of some 25 years standing decided enough is enough and fed up with targets, stress, seeking the next sale, decides to give up and runs off to the highlands and decides to stay forever in a bothy in the glens.
He only ventures out to the local village shop to renew his supplies etc.
One night some 6 months later he is lying on his cot reading by candlelight when the door of the bothy bursts open and there stands the biggest hairiest brute this side of the Atlantic.
"Ma names Boab, an a live in the bothy over the glen aboot 5 miles away. A'm havin a perty on Saturday and wid like to invite you."
"That's very kind of you " replies our hero "I'd be glad to come"
"Wan thing though, at these parties a've seen some right heavy drinkin"
"No problem I've been around a bit and can handle my drink"
"An also a've seen some right good fighting goin on"
"Must be a tough lot" thinks our man, " No problem, as I seem to get on with most folk hopefully that won't happen"
"Fine then" says the hairy beast " I'll see you on Saturday. Oh, an one more thing, A,ve seen some right violent sex at these parties"
"Well", says our hero, "I've been up here for some months now so a little bit of that should do no harm"
"Fine then ", says Boab, "ah'll see you Saterday"
"Oh incidentally what should I wear for the party?"
Boab thinks for a moment and says "whitever ye like it'll just be the two of us."
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Ok, as your dog I want to state what can piss me off bigtime:
When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.
Blaming your farts on me... not funny.
Yelling at me for barking... I’M A FRIGGIN’ DOG YOU IDIOT!!
How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn’t all over everything while you’re gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat?)
Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. (Exactly whose walk is this anyway?)
Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose.....stop it. I mean..........c'mon already!.
Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why’d you buy carpet?
Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven’t quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you’re just jealous.
Dog sweaters. Have you noticed my fur?
Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you’re not home.
When you insist on picking up the piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
Taking me to the vet for “the big snip”, then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back there.
The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. Wow, you fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us?
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Mother's Lessons
This was submitted to me: What my mother taught me... yep, I remember these well.
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL . "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM . "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about PATIENCE. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION . "Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. " Just wait until we get home."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"
My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that way."
My mother taught me ESP . "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."
My mother taught me about my ROOTS. " Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
And my favorite : my mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
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Dear Abby
Dear Abby:
I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.
When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave.
I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door . . .
There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.
Abby, should I tell my fiancee' what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character?
Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason
I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?
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Oval Office
We take you now to the Oval Office.
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
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